<![CDATA[the cost of Functioning: Podcast]]>https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/s/the-spiral-podcasthttps://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!reUa!,w_256,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F60ca5a71-97f6-452d-9fb9-11a80684a009_500x500.pngthe cost of Functioning: Podcasthttps://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/s/the-spiral-podcastSubstackFri, 04 Sep 2026 03:39:17 GMT<![CDATA[Mental Health Awareness Month — And Other Things the Wellness Industry Sells You]]>https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/mental-health-awareness-month-andhttps://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/mental-health-awareness-month-andThu, 28 May 2026 11:02:53 GMTIn 1953, Mental Health America cast a three-hundred-pound bell from the chains and shackles used to physically restrain patients in psychiatric asylums. Seventy-three years later, what Mental Health Awareness Month has become is a candle on the end-cap at the mall.

In this episode, I take apart what happened between the bell and the candle — and what an actual awareness month would do if it weren’t being run by marketers. For the woman who’s been doing the work all month and feels weirder about May than she did when it started.

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey — the science of stress, burnout, identity, and why you feel the way you feel. For the woman who’s done everything right and still doesn’t feel like herself. Here, we finally figure out why.

Timestamps

00:01-01:04 Introduction to Mental Health Awareness Month

01:06-02:01 The Bell and Its Significance

02:05-03:52 Cultural Shift from Bell to Candle

04:13-05:34 The Original Purpose of Awareness

05:34-07:16 Current State of Mental Health Awareness

07:39-09:42 The Performance of Awareness Months

10:09-13:59 Supporting Mental Health Beyond Awareness

14:00-16:54 Diagnostic Erasure and Pharmaceutical Influence

17:26-19:45 What True Awareness Should Look Like

21:30-25:38 Personal Reflection and Call to Action

Listen On (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube) Subscribe, rate, and leave a review. That’s how more women find it.

Find More from Lauren on Substack

📖 Spiraling Into Control

About the Show

The Spiral is a podcast about complex trauma, nervous system literacy, and the women who got told their pain didn’t count. Trauma-informed coach and author Lauren Tobey walks you through the Spiral Framework — the four states (Ashes, Ember, Flame, Rise), the threat and safety databases your body has been running without your permission, and the Machine that’s been making your decisions while you thought you were.

This is for the woman who’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or borderline when what was actually happening was a nervous system response to sustained relational harm. The one who looks high-functioning and is internally on a back porch staring at nothing.

It counts because your nervous system counted it.

Keywords

complex trauma podcast, cPTSD, nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, polyvagal theory, women’s mental health, high-functioning anxiety, freeze response, dorsal vagal shutdown, fawn response, people pleasing recovery, codependency recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, gaslighting recovery, mom burnout, perimenopause and trauma, ADHD misdiagnosis, BPD misdiagnosis, autism in women, childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, intergenerational trauma, religious trauma, hypervigilance, dissociation, Spiraling Into Control, the Spiral Framework, Ashes Ember Flame Rise, Lauren Tobey

]]><![CDATA[The Long Weekend Lie ]]>https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/the-long-weekend-liehttps://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/the-long-weekend-lieThu, 21 May 2026 11:02:21 GMTMemorial Day weekend is being sold to you as rest. Your body knows it isn’t. The Maycember-depleted nervous system that walked into Friday is going to walk out of Monday more depleted, more dysregulated, more confused about why you can’t enjoy what you have. And then you’re going to blame yourself for it.

In this episode, I take apart the structural lie that time off equals rest, name the cultural dissonance baked into Memorial Day specifically (a holiday for the war dead repackaged as the unofficial start of summer), and give you one operational handle for the three days: subtract the performance, keep the presence.

For the woman going into the long weekend already at zero.

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey — the science of stress, burnout, identity, and why you feel the way you feel. For the woman who's done everything right and still doesn't feel like herself. Here, we finally figure out why.

Timestamps

Chapters

00:00 The Illusion of Long Weekends

02:23 Cultural Dissonance of Memorial Day

04:49 The Burden of Performance

06:54 Understanding Rest vs. Performance

09:05 Navigating Family Expectations

11:37 The Impact of Social Media

14:04 The Aftermath of Long Weekends

16:22 Rebuilding Your Nervous System

18:35 Permission to Not Enjoy

20:30 The Work Beyond the Weekend

Listen On (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Youtube)

Please subscribe on any platform you listen on, rate it, and leave a review. That’s how more women find it.

Find More from Lauren on Substack

📖 Spiraling Into Control https://amzn.to/4bbYsfR

About the Show

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey is a podcast about complex trauma, nervous system literacy, and the women who got told their pain didn’t count. Trauma-informed coach and author Lauren Tobey walks you through the Spiral Framework — the four states of survival and integration (Ashes, Ember, Flame, Rise), the threat and safety databases your body has been running without your permission, and the Machine that’s been making your decisions while you thought you were making them.

This is for the woman who’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or borderline when what was actually happening was a nervous system response to sustained relational harm. The woman who looks high-functioning and is internally on a back porch staring at nothing. The woman who’s been told she’s so strong by people who have no idea what she’s carrying. The woman who’s tired of being told her trauma is a gift, her pain is a teacher, and her body is wrong.

It counts because your nervous system counted it. That’s the whole thesis. Twice a week — teaching episodes on Tuesdays, cultural commentary on Thursdays — Lauren names what the wellness industry won’t, takes apart what the diagnostic system gets wrong, and gives you the language you’ve been looking for. No five-step plans. No healing journey. No silver linings. Just the science, the framework, and the conversation that gets you back to yourself.

Keywords

complex trauma podcast, cPTSD, nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, polyvagal theory, somatic healing, women's mental health, burnout recovery, high-functioning anxiety, freeze response, dorsal vagal shutdown, fawn response, people pleasing recovery, codependency recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, emotional abuse, gaslighting recovery, divorce recovery, postpartum mental health, mom burnout, working mom burnout, perimenopause and trauma, ADHD misdiagnosis, BPD misdiagnosis, autism in women, late-diagnosed neurodivergent, childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, intergenerational trauma, religious trauma, purity culture recovery, deconstruction, ex-evangelical, anti-wellness industry, anti-toxic positivity, anti-hustle culture, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, Nicole LePera, Bethany Webster, Glennon Doyle, mother wound, daughter wound, inner child work alternative, somatic experiencing, IFS adjacent, parts work, vagus nerve, window of tolerance, hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, complex PTSD recovery for women, nervous system literacy, trauma education, Spiraling Into Control, the Spiral Framework, the four states, Ashes Ember Flame Rise, integration not healing, Lauren Tobey

]]><![CDATA["You're So Strong" — And Other Stupid Things People Say to Women in Shutdown]]>https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/youre-so-strong-and-other-stupidhttps://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/youre-so-strong-and-other-stupidTue, 19 May 2026 11:03:33 GMTYou woke up at six, made the lunches, answered the email, and showed up to the meeting with the right answers. Yet, somewhere underneath all of it, the woman doing the showing up cannot remember the last time she actually felt something. This is what high-functioning shutdown looks like — and your nervous system has been running it for longer than you think.

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey — the science of stress, burnout, identity, and why you feel the way you feel. For the woman who's done everything right and still doesn't feel like herself. Here, we finally figure out why.

Timestamps

00:00 Understanding Shutdown vs. Collapse

09:24 The Mechanism of Shutdown

17:26 The Cost of Functioning in Shutdown

25:22 Recognizing and Naming Shutdown

Listen On (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Youtube)

Please subscribe on any platform you listen on, rate it, and leave a review. That’s how more women find it.

Find More from Lauren on Substack

📖 Spiraling Into Control https://amzn.to/4bbYsfR

About the Show

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey is a podcast about complex trauma, nervous system literacy, and the women who got told their pain didn’t count. Trauma-informed coach and author Lauren Tobey walks you through the Spiral Framework — the four states of survival and integration (Ashes, Ember, Flame, Rise), the threat and safety databases your body has been running without your permission, and the Machine that’s been making your decisions while you thought you were making them.

This is for the woman who’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or borderline when what was actually happening was a nervous system response to sustained relational harm. The woman who looks high-functioning and is internally on a back porch staring at nothing. The woman who’s been told she’s so strong by people who have no idea what she’s carrying. The woman who’s tired of being told her trauma is a gift, her pain is a teacher, and her body is wrong.

It counts because your nervous system counted it. That’s the whole thesis. Twice a week — teaching episodes on Tuesdays, cultural commentary on Thursdays — Lauren names what the wellness industry won’t, takes apart what the diagnostic system gets wrong, and gives you the language you’ve been looking for. No five-step plans. No healing journey. No silver linings. Just the science, the framework, and the conversation that gets you back to yourself.

Keywords

complex trauma podcast, cPTSD, nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, polyvagal theory, somatic healing, women's mental health, burnout recovery, high-functioning anxiety, freeze response, dorsal vagal shutdown, fawn response, people pleasing recovery, codependency recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, emotional abuse, gaslighting recovery, divorce recovery, postpartum mental health, mom burnout, working mom burnout, perimenopause and trauma, ADHD misdiagnosis, BPD misdiagnosis, autism in women, late-diagnosed neurodivergent, childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, intergenerational trauma, religious trauma, purity culture recovery, deconstruction, ex-evangelical, anti-wellness industry, anti-toxic positivity, anti-hustle culture, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, Nicole LePera, Bethany Webster, Glennon Doyle, mother wound, daughter wound, inner child work alternative, somatic experiencing, IFS adjacent, parts work, vagus nerve, window of tolerance, hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, complex PTSD recovery for women, nervous system literacy, trauma education, Spiraling Into Control, the Spiral Framework, the four states, Ashes Ember Flame Rise, integration not healing, Lauren Tobey

]]><![CDATA[Maycember - Subtracting to Stay Present]]>https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/maycember-subtracting-to-stay-present-756https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/maycember-subtracting-to-stay-present-756Thu, 14 May 2026 11:00:00 GMTLauren Tobey shares how “Maycember” overloads moms with last-minute school logistics. 


Download When You're Too Numb To Cry - https://www.laurentobey.com/connect

Website: laurentobey.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/laurentobeyspiral/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@laurentobeyspiral
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@LaurenTobeySpiral
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/laurentobeyspiral/


About This Episode

Lauren Tobey shares how “Maycember” overloads moms with last-minute school logistics—field day snow-cone cash, volunteer pressure conflicting with meetings, a graduation gown that must be washed and ironed, an unannounced half day, and demanding teacher appreciation requests—while they’re already running at zero capacity. She argues typical self-care and boundary advice fails when the mandatory tasks can’t be dropped, because the real problem is a system that turns schools into event factories and pushes moms into survival-mode performance. Her Maycember-specific move is to subtract the performance, not the tasks: keep presence for kids while dropping perfection extras (cute outfits, posters, ironing, over-volunteering). She offers three moves: remove one performance per event, name guilt as “the machine,” and make one daily micro-deposit to stay grounded and intact through May.


Timestamps

00:00 May Chaos Week
02:03 Maycember Explained
04:34 System Not Self Care
07:28 Why Advice Fails
08:04 Subtract Performance
10:46 Keep Presence
15:13 Three Maycember Moves
18:54 Permission To Do Less
20:24 In It Too
21:32 Free Guide Offer
22:17 June Is Coming


About The Spiral Podcast

The Spiral Podcast is where the work breathes out loud. Each episode expands what the writing opens — through lived experience, nervous system science, and the kind of conversation that happens at the kitchen table after the kids are asleep. Hosted by Lauren Tobey, author of Spiraling Into Control and creator of The Spiral Framework.

New episodes every Tuesday.


Keywords

nervous system, trauma, spiraling, The Spiral Framework, Ashes, Ember, Flame, Rise, survival mode, nervous system regulation, complex trauma, cPTSD, identity erosion, relational trauma, high-functioning, polyvagal, nervous system states, Lauren Tobey, Spiraling Into Control


If This Episode Landed

Leave a review. A few honest sentences help the algorithm put this podcast in front of the woman who's searching for exactly what you found. Then share it with the woman you thought of. That's how she finds it.

]]><![CDATA[Navigating the Ashes: Rebuilding Safety and Trust in Yourself]]>https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/navigating-the-ashes-rebuilding-safety-ccchttps://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/navigating-the-ashes-rebuilding-safety-cccTue, 12 May 2026 11:00:00 GMTYou've been doing the brave things. The hard conversations. The boundary you finally set. The text you sent without editing four times. And every time you do one of them, you wait to feel relief — and the relief doesn't come. You feel confused. You feel weirdly off. And you decide you must have done it wrong. You didn't do it wrong. The confusion is the recording. The confusion is the proof.

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey — the science of stress, burnout, identity, and why you feel the way you feel. For the woman who's done everything right and still doesn't feel like herself. Here, we finally figure out why.

Timestamps

00:00 Mom Calls It Out
03:32 Recap The Machine
07:40 Why Self Care Fails
08:50 Safety Feels Confusing
11:08 A Real Safety Moment
14:09 Relief Versus Deposit
17:14 Three Filing Criteria
24:20 Right Size The Move
30:59 Three Moves In Ashes
37:27 Nova Support Tool
39:24 Ashes Final Takeaway

Listen On (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Youtube)

Please subscribe on any platform you listen on, rate it, and leave a review. That’s how more women find it.

Find More from Lauren on Substack

📖 Spiraling Into Control https://amzn.to/4bbYsfR

About the Show

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey is a podcast about complex trauma, nervous system literacy, and the women who got told their pain didn’t count. Trauma-informed coach and author Lauren Tobey walks you through the Spiral Framework — the four states of survival and integration (Ashes, Ember, Flame, Rise), the threat and safety databases your body has been running without your permission, and the Machine that’s been making your decisions while you thought you were making them.

This is for the woman who’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or borderline when what was actually happening was a nervous system response to sustained relational harm. The woman who looks high-functioning and is internally on a back porch staring at nothing. The woman who’s been told she’s so strong by people who have no idea what she’s carrying. The woman who’s tired of being told her trauma is a gift, her pain is a teacher, and her body is wrong.

It counts because your nervous system counted it. That’s the whole thesis. Twice a week — teaching episodes on Tuesdays, cultural commentary on Thursdays — Lauren names what the wellness industry won’t, takes apart what the diagnostic system gets wrong, and gives you the language you’ve been looking for. No five-step plans. No healing journey. No silver linings. Just the science, the framework, and the conversation that gets you back to yourself.

Keywords

complex trauma podcast, cPTSD, nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, polyvagal theory, somatic healing, women's mental health, burnout recovery, high-functioning anxiety, freeze response, dorsal vagal shutdown, fawn response, people pleasing recovery, codependency recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, emotional abuse, gaslighting recovery, divorce recovery, postpartum mental health, mom burnout, working mom burnout, perimenopause and trauma, ADHD misdiagnosis, BPD misdiagnosis, autism in women, late-diagnosed neurodivergent, childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, intergenerational trauma, religious trauma, purity culture recovery, deconstruction, ex-evangelical, anti-wellness industry, anti-toxic positivity, anti-hustle culture, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, Nicole LePera, Bethany Webster, Glennon Doyle, mother wound, daughter wound, inner child work alternative, somatic experiencing, IFS adjacent, parts work, vagus nerve, window of tolerance, hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, complex PTSD recovery for women, nervous system literacy, trauma education, Spiraling Into Control, the Spiral Framework, the four states, Ashes Ember Flame Rise, integration not healing, Lauren Tobey

]]><![CDATA[Your Label Is Destroying You (But That's Not the Real Issue)]]>https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/your-label-is-destroying-you-but-22dhttps://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/your-label-is-destroying-you-but-22dThu, 07 May 2026 11:00:00 GMT“Trauma” has become a brand, and those labels themselves are harmful. Lauren distinguishes acknowledgment—an accurate, often private naming that “it counts”—from residence, where a label becomes a permanent identity. She defines what “counts” as whatever fundamentally changes how you live, and urges listeners to name their truth without moving into it, using The Spiral process to move from awareness and research to action.

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey — the science of stress, burnout, identity, and why you feel the way you feel. For the woman who's done everything right and still doesn't feel like herself. Here, we finally figure out why.

Timestamps

00:00 Trauma as a Brand
01:24 Labels Can Trap You
03:04 Backlash Against Trauma
04:42 When Critique Becomes Dismissal
06:01 My cPTSD Label Stage
07:08 Awareness Is Not Healing
11:07 It Wasn’t That Bad
13:51 Acknowledgment vs. Residence
21:24 Who the Backlash Hurts
25:32 What Counts as Trauma
27:44 My Study Abroad Example
32:00 Hold the Word and Move
36:19 Spiral Guide and Wrap Up

Listen On (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Youtube)

Please subscribe on any platform you listen on, rate it, and leave a review. That’s how more women find it.

Find More from Lauren on Substack

📖 Spiraling Into Control https://amzn.to/4bbYsfR

About the Show

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey is a podcast about complex trauma, nervous system literacy, and the women who got told their pain didn’t count. Trauma-informed coach and author Lauren Tobey walks you through the Spiral Framework — the four states of survival and integration (Ashes, Ember, Flame, Rise), the threat and safety databases your body has been running without your permission, and the Machine that’s been making your decisions while you thought you were making them.

This is for the woman who’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or borderline when what was actually happening was a nervous system response to sustained relational harm. The woman who looks high-functioning and is internally on a back porch staring at nothing. The woman who’s been told she’s so strong by people who have no idea what she’s carrying. The woman who’s tired of being told her trauma is a gift, her pain is a teacher, and her body is wrong.

It counts because your nervous system counted it. That’s the whole thesis. Twice a week — teaching episodes on Tuesdays, cultural commentary on Thursdays — Lauren names what the wellness industry won’t, takes apart what the diagnostic system gets wrong, and gives you the language you’ve been looking for. No five-step plans. No healing journey. No silver linings. Just the science, the framework, and the conversation that gets you back to yourself.

Keywords

complex trauma podcast, cPTSD, nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, polyvagal theory, somatic healing, women's mental health, burnout recovery, high-functioning anxiety, freeze response, dorsal vagal shutdown, fawn response, people pleasing recovery, codependency recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, emotional abuse, gaslighting recovery, divorce recovery, postpartum mental health, mom burnout, working mom burnout, perimenopause and trauma, ADHD misdiagnosis, BPD misdiagnosis, autism in women, late-diagnosed neurodivergent, childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, intergenerational trauma, religious trauma, purity culture recovery, deconstruction, ex-evangelical, anti-wellness industry, anti-toxic positivity, anti-hustle culture, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, Nicole LePera, Bethany Webster, Glennon Doyle, mother wound, daughter wound, inner child work alternative, somatic experiencing, IFS adjacent, parts work, vagus nerve, window of tolerance, hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, complex PTSD recovery for women, nervous system literacy, trauma education, Spiraling Into Control, the Spiral Framework, the four states, Ashes Ember Flame Rise, integration not healing, Lauren Tobey

]]><![CDATA[Breaking the Machine: Why Letting Your Nervous System Live On Auto Reply Fails Every Time]]>https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/breaking-the-machine-why-letting-51ahttps://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/breaking-the-machine-why-letting-51aTue, 05 May 2026 11:00:00 GMTLauren explains that the nervous system pattern-matches past experiences in microseconds, often overriding logic and personal preferences, especially after long periods of survival mode, grief, or identity confusion that leave the safety database sparse.

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey — the science of stress, burnout, identity, and why you feel the way you feel. For the woman who's done everything right and still doesn't feel like herself. Here, we finally figure out why.

Timestamps

00:00 Target Self Checkout Apology

01:13 Meet The Machine

01:42 Nervous System Pattern Matching

04:01 Threat Versus Safe Databases

06:29 Gold Stars And Overfunctioning

08:19 Finding A Micro Pause

08:37 CEO Retreat Speaking Up

11:57 Your Voice Underneath

15:00 Grief When The Mask Drops

17:11 Practical Glitching Practice

19:35 Closing Encouragement And Outro

Listen On (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Youtube)

Please subscribe on any platform you listen on, rate it, and leave a review. That’s how more women find it.

Find More from Lauren on Substack

📖 Spiraling Into Control https://amzn.to/4bbYsfR

About the Show

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey is a podcast about complex trauma, nervous system literacy, and the women who got told their pain didn’t count. Trauma-informed coach and author Lauren Tobey walks you through the Spiral Framework — the four states of survival and integration (Ashes, Ember, Flame, Rise), the threat and safety databases your body has been running without your permission, and the Machine that’s been making your decisions while you thought you were making them.

This is for the woman who’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or borderline when what was actually happening was a nervous system response to sustained relational harm. The woman who looks high-functioning and is internally on a back porch staring at nothing. The woman who’s been told she’s so strong by people who have no idea what she’s carrying. The woman who’s tired of being told her trauma is a gift, her pain is a teacher, and her body is wrong.

It counts because your nervous system counted it. That’s the whole thesis. Twice a week — teaching episodes on Tuesdays, cultural commentary on Thursdays — Lauren names what the wellness industry won’t, takes apart what the diagnostic system gets wrong, and gives you the language you’ve been looking for. No five-step plans. No healing journey. No silver linings. Just the science, the framework, and the conversation that gets you back to yourself.

Keywords

complex trauma podcast, cPTSD, nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, polyvagal theory, somatic healing, women's mental health, burnout recovery, high-functioning anxiety, freeze response, dorsal vagal shutdown, fawn response, people pleasing recovery, codependency recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, emotional abuse, gaslighting recovery, divorce recovery, postpartum mental health, mom burnout, working mom burnout, perimenopause and trauma, ADHD misdiagnosis, BPD misdiagnosis, autism in women, late-diagnosed neurodivergent, childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, intergenerational trauma, religious trauma, purity culture recovery, deconstruction, ex-evangelical, anti-wellness industry, anti-toxic positivity, anti-hustle culture, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, Nicole LePera, Bethany Webster, Glennon Doyle, mother wound, daughter wound, inner child work alternative, somatic experiencing, IFS adjacent, parts work, vagus nerve, window of tolerance, hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, complex PTSD recovery for women, nervous system literacy, trauma education, Spiraling Into Control, the Spiral Framework, the four states, Ashes Ember Flame Rise, integration not healing, Lauren Tobey

]]><![CDATA[I Have Depression. I Am Not Depression. Live from the Ashes]]>https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/i-have-depression-i-am-not-depression-666https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/i-have-depression-i-am-not-depression-666Sat, 25 Apr 2026 23:13:46 GMTWe get into the difference between having depression and being depression, why pointing out that cPTSD and BPD are nervous system cousins made half my comments lose their minds, and the double standard around specializing in who you serve. If you’re in the Ashes too, this one’s for you — you’re not doing it wrong, you’re doing it.

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey — the science of stress, burnout, identity, and why you feel the way you feel. For the woman who's done everything right and still doesn't feel like herself. Here, we finally figure out why.

Timestamps

00:00 — First Live Podcast
00:09 — Why I'm Not Making Up For It
03:54 — Having Depression vs. Being Depression
06:42 — The Ashes Are a Stage, Not a Sentence
09:29 — There Is No Finish Line
12:18 — When BPD and cPTSD Are Nervous System Cousins
18:00 — Fusion With Better Branding
20:41 — The Double Standard Around Specialization
28:18 — Two Truths Can Exist
33:36 — Stop Performing Survival
35:46 — The Spiral Assessment and What's Next
36:54 — Stay. That's All You Have to Do.

Listen On (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Youtube)

Please subscribe on any platform you listen on, rate it, and leave a review. That’s how more women find it.

Find More from Lauren on Substack

📖 Spiraling Into Control https://amzn.to/4bbYsfR

About the Show

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey is a podcast about complex trauma, nervous system literacy, and the women who got told their pain didn’t count. Trauma-informed coach and author Lauren Tobey walks you through the Spiral Framework — the four states of survival and integration (Ashes, Ember, Flame, Rise), the threat and safety databases your body has been running without your permission, and the Machine that’s been making your decisions while you thought you were making them.

This is for the woman who’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or borderline when what was actually happening was a nervous system response to sustained relational harm. The woman who looks high-functioning and is internally on a back porch staring at nothing. The woman who’s been told she’s so strong by people who have no idea what she’s carrying. The woman who’s tired of being told her trauma is a gift, her pain is a teacher, and her body is wrong.

It counts because your nervous system counted it. That’s the whole thesis. Twice a week — teaching episodes on Tuesdays, cultural commentary on Thursdays — Lauren names what the wellness industry won’t, takes apart what the diagnostic system gets wrong, and gives you the language you’ve been looking for. No five-step plans. No healing journey. No silver linings. Just the science, the framework, and the conversation that gets you back to yourself.

Keywords

complex trauma podcast, cPTSD, nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, polyvagal theory, somatic healing, women's mental health, burnout recovery, high-functioning anxiety, freeze response, dorsal vagal shutdown, fawn response, people pleasing recovery, codependency recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, emotional abuse, gaslighting recovery, divorce recovery, postpartum mental health, mom burnout, working mom burnout, perimenopause and trauma, ADHD misdiagnosis, BPD misdiagnosis, autism in women, late-diagnosed neurodivergent, childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, intergenerational trauma, religious trauma, purity culture recovery, deconstruction, ex-evangelical, anti-wellness industry, anti-toxic positivity, anti-hustle culture, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, Nicole LePera, Bethany Webster, Glennon Doyle, mother wound, daughter wound, inner child work alternative, somatic experiencing, IFS adjacent, parts work, vagus nerve, window of tolerance, hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, complex PTSD recovery for women, nervous system literacy, trauma education, Spiraling Into Control, the Spiral Framework, the four states, Ashes Ember Flame Rise, integration not healing, Lauren Tobey

]]><![CDATA[The Personality Test Trap — When the Box Becomes the Cage]]>https://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/the-personality-test-trap-when-the-cafhttps://www.thecostoffunctioning.com/p/the-personality-test-trap-when-the-cafTue, 21 Apr 2026 22:43:32 GMTThe personality test industry is one of the quietest dangers for women rebuilding identity after relational trauma — including how the introvert label freezes shutdown into permanent identity, how hiring algorithms punish both your mask and your truth, and why LinkedIn culture demands a four-letter version of you that your nervous system cannot honestly produce.

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey — the science of stress, burnout, identity, and why you feel the way you feel. For the woman who's done everything right and still doesn't feel like herself. Here, we finally figure out why.

Timestamps

00:00 Personality Tests Warning

01:13 Myers Briggs Whiplash

03:22 Masks Not Identity

04:42 The Stable Self Assumption

08:43 Introvert Or Shutdown

14:33 Four Letter Cage

17:45 Hiring Tests Double Bind

22:36 Type As Social Currency

27:31 The Spiral Map

35:24 Traits Versus Survival

37:21 Spiral App And Nova

39:18 You Need Maps

40:56 Final Takeaway And Subscribe

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About the Show

The Spiral with Lauren Tobey is a podcast about complex trauma, nervous system literacy, and the women who got told their pain didn’t count. Trauma-informed coach and author Lauren Tobey walks you through the Spiral Framework — the four states of survival and integration (Ashes, Ember, Flame, Rise), the threat and safety databases your body has been running without your permission, and the Machine that’s been making your decisions while you thought you were making them.

This is for the woman who’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or borderline when what was actually happening was a nervous system response to sustained relational harm. The woman who looks high-functioning and is internally on a back porch staring at nothing. The woman who’s been told she’s so strong by people who have no idea what she’s carrying. The woman who’s tired of being told her trauma is a gift, her pain is a teacher, and her body is wrong.

It counts because your nervous system counted it. That’s the whole thesis. Twice a week — teaching episodes on Tuesdays, cultural commentary on Thursdays — Lauren names what the wellness industry won’t, takes apart what the diagnostic system gets wrong, and gives you the language you’ve been looking for. No five-step plans. No healing journey. No silver linings. Just the science, the framework, and the conversation that gets you back to yourself.

Keywords

complex trauma podcast, cPTSD, nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, polyvagal theory, somatic healing, women's mental health, burnout recovery, high-functioning anxiety, freeze response, dorsal vagal shutdown, fawn response, people pleasing recovery, codependency recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, emotional abuse, gaslighting recovery, divorce recovery, postpartum mental health, mom burnout, working mom burnout, perimenopause and trauma, ADHD misdiagnosis, BPD misdiagnosis, autism in women, late-diagnosed neurodivergent, childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, intergenerational trauma, religious trauma, purity culture recovery, deconstruction, ex-evangelical, anti-wellness industry, anti-toxic positivity, anti-hustle culture, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, Nicole LePera, Bethany Webster, Glennon Doyle, mother wound, daughter wound, inner child work alternative, somatic experiencing, IFS adjacent, parts work, vagus nerve, window of tolerance, hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, complex PTSD recovery for women, nervous system literacy, trauma education, Spiraling Into Control, the Spiral Framework, the four states, Ashes Ember Flame Rise, integration not healing, Lauren Tobey

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