There’s a version of you that’s been running every interaction you have, every day, for as long as you can remember. She’s the one who smiles before she walks in the room. She’s the one who reads the room in three seconds and adjusts. She’s the one your husband married, the one your mother brags about, the one your kids think is their mom. She is not you. She is the costume.
In this episode, I take apart what the costume actually is — not your outfit, not your makeup, but the entire operating system you built to survive an environment that didn’t want the real version of you. We get into how it gets built, why it won’t come off easily, and what’s underneath when it finally starts to.
For the woman who can’t remember what she likes anymore.
The Spiral with Lauren Tobey — the science of stress, burnout, identity, and why you feel the way you feel. For the woman who’s done everything right and still doesn’t feel like herself. Here, we finally figure out why.
Timestamps
00:00 Unmasking the Costume: Who Are You Really?
08:01 The Mechanism of the Costume: How It Forms
16:03 The Cost of Wearing a Costume: Relationships and Identity
24:51 The Journey of Unraveling: Taking Off the Costume
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About the Show
The Spiral is a podcast about complex trauma, nervous system literacy, and the women who got told their pain didn’t count. Trauma-informed coach and author Lauren Tobey walks you through the Spiral Framework — the four states of survival and integration (Ashes, Ember, Flame, Rise), the threat and safety databases your body has been running without your permission, and the Machine that’s been making your decisions while you thought you were.
This is for the woman who’s been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or borderline when what was actually happening was a nervous system response to sustained relational harm. The one who looks high-functioning and is internally on a back porch staring at nothing. Who’s been told she’s so strong by people who have no idea what she’s carrying. Who’s tired of being told her trauma is a gift and her body is wrong.
It counts because your nervous system counted it. That’s the whole thesis. Twice a week — teaching episodes Tuesdays, cultural commentary Thursdays — Lauren names what the wellness industry won’t, takes apart what the diagnostic system gets wrong, and gives you the language you’ve been looking for. No five-step plans. No silver linings. Just the science, the framework, and the conversation that gets you back to yourself.
Keywords
complex trauma podcast, cPTSD, nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, polyvagal theory, somatic healing, women’s mental health, burnout recovery, high-functioning anxiety, freeze response, dorsal vagal shutdown, fawn response, people pleasing recovery, codependency recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, emotional abuse, gaslighting recovery, divorce recovery, postpartum mental health, mom burnout, perimenopause and trauma, ADHD misdiagnosis, BPD misdiagnosis, autism in women, late-diagnosed neurodivergent, childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, intergenerational trauma, religious trauma, purity culture recovery, deconstruction, ex-evangelical, anti-toxic positivity, The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, Nicole LePera, Glennon Doyle, mother wound, somatic experiencing, vagus nerve, window of tolerance, hypervigilance, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, nervous system literacy, Spiraling Into Control, the Spiral Framework, Ashes Ember Flame Rise, Lauren Tobey
